Open Source

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I've been thinking about why it's so hard to communicate the benefits of open source and Linux to the general public, and have come to the conclusion that it's because the general public has been conditioned by movies and TV to only understand simplistic plots with clearly defined good guys and bad guys. Trying to explain the Cathedral versus the Bazaar is just too complex for the CSI generation.

With that in mind, I'm developing a treatment for Hollywood that tries to get across our ideas in a more media-friendly fashion. I've included a few excerpts here for your edification.

SCENE 1 -
INT. EVIL LAIR - DAY

AT A LARGE TABLE, VARIOUS OPPONENTS OF OPEN SOURCE SIT IN DIM LIGHT THAT MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO SEE THEIR FACES. AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE, THE HEAD OF AN ORGANIZATION KNOWN AS "MSDOS," WHOIS KNOWN ONLY AS "BIG G," SITS PETTING A WHITE PERSIAN CAT.

Thank you for coming on such short notice. As you know, the combined forces of MSDOS, Massive Stupidity Discrediting Open Source, have been work-ing to destroy Linux and make the world dependent on our shoddy products. First, we will hear a report from MSDOS Agent 12.

AGENT 12 WALKS IN AND STANDS BEFORE THE TABLE. HE IS WEARING A "UTAH IS FOR LAWYERS" T-SHIRT.

We have experienced some setbacks in our attempts to generate uncertainty about the pedigree of Linux. The courts have not been as pliable as we had hoped, and rather than keep the business community in a state of uncertainty and doubt, all we seem to be able to do is create ridicule toward our own cause.

This is totally unacceptable, Daryl - I mean, Agent 12. After all the trouble we went through to clone you an army of IP lawyers, we expected at least a decade of legal morass. (Pauses, then continues softly) As you know, here at MSDOS, failure is not an acceptable result.

BIG G PRESSES A BUTTON ON HIS TABLE, AGENT 12 FALLS THROUGH A TRAP DOOR AND IS MESSILY CONSUMED BY A POOL TEEMING WITH VISUAL BASIC DEVELOPERS.

SCENE 12 -
INT. TORTURE CHAMBER - NIGHT

LINUS TORVALDS IS STRAPPED TO A MASSIVE TABLE. A LASER BEAM IS TRACING A LINE TOWARD A SECTION OF HIS ANATOMY HE'D PREFER TO LEAVE INTACT.

Do you expect me to code?

No, Mr. Torvalds. I expect you to die.

SCENE 31 -
INT. LINUXWORLD EXPO SHOW FLOOR - DAY

A RAGGED FORCE COMPOSED OF MOZILLA DEVELOPERS, LINUX KERNEL HACKERS, AND FREE SOFTWARE ADVOCATES IS ATTACKING THE SPRAWLING MSDOS BOOTH COMPLEX (WHICH FOR SOME REASON RESEMBLES A GIANT ICE PALACE).

THE DEFENDING FORCES ATTEMPT TO REPEL THE INVADERS BY FIRING UP AUTOMATED GRENADE LAUNCHERS, BUT ONE OF THE LINUX HACKERS HAS USED A KNOWN EXPLOIT IN INTERNET EXPLORER TO TAKE OVER THE FIRE CONTROL SYSTEM, AND THE GRENADES START EXPLODING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MSDOS TROOPS. SUDDENLY, TO GREAT CHEERING BY THE OPEN SOURCE FORCES, THE MSDOS PAVILION EXPLODES IN A HUGE FIREBALL.

CUT TO: ERIC RAYMOND CHASING BIG G UP A STAIRCASE TO THE ROOF OF THE MOSCONE CONVENTION CENTER. BIG G HIDES IN THE SHADOWS ON THE ROOF AND TRIES TO BLINDSIDE RAYMOND AS HE COMES OUT THE DOOR, BUT RAYMOND DUCKS AND BIG G GOES FLYING OVER THE EDGE.

You think you've won, but in the end we're just two sides of the same coin. Open source developers are no different from proprietary ones. In your heart, you know it!

BIG G STRUGGLES TO HOLD ON, A LOOK OF DESPERATION ON HIS FACE. ONE HAND SLIPS, THEN THE OTHER, AND HE PLUMMETS TO THE GROUND. PAMELA JONES (PLAYED BY SHERYL CROW) EMERGES FROM THE DOOR AND STANDS NEXT TO RAYMOND, LOOKING DOWN.

What happened?

His copyright was revoked.

I expect a major studio to option my script any day. PDI Dreamworks can do the CGI for the army of mutant penguins, and Barenaked Ladies can sing the theme song, "Share My Source Tonight." The marketing rights from the Heroes of Open Source action figures (including Richard Stallman with Kung Fu Ego) should set me up for life.