***After mail-in rebate. Must purchase product between 11:57 p.m. on 1/1/05 and 2:17 a.m. on 1/2/05, at the CompUSA in East Lansing, MI, from a salesman named Bob who has between three and five children. Rebate must be postmarked by 3:53 a.m. on 1/2/05, and received by our processing center in Cape Town, South Africa, by 4:21 a.m. on 1/2/05.

To qualify for a rebate, enclose the following items:

1. Proof of purchase bar code located inside of unit in a sealed, depleted uranium box (Note: Opening unit voids warranty)
2. Original sales receipt, original copy of Magna Carta, Original Recipe 3-piece order of Kentucky Fried Chicken (the folks in order fulfillment get a bit peckish sometimes...)
3. The heart of a dragon, freshly slaughtered
4. A signed and notarized affidavit indicating that you have completed three acts of valor, three acts of charity, and three acts of wisdom, witnessed by a Knight of the Round Table.
5. The rebate request form, recopied onto the head of a pin in Church Latin

Allow 6–9 months for rebate check.

Some of you may have noticed last month that we had a special centerfold that featured a penguin in a state of embarrassing undress. First of all, I'd like to assure you that the penguin was of legal age in all 50 states, and we have a signed consent form on file with the New Jersey State Attorney General.

There is a long and proud tradition of April Fool's magazine articles in the publishing industry. I remember with particular fondness the April issue of Car and Driver April a few years ago that, with a straight face, offered a road test evaluation for the space shuttle transporter at Cape Kennedy. I particularly liked the fuel economy figures listed in gallons per mile.

Last year, using my position as senior editor as an excuse to appoint myself official prankster, I arranged to have a phony news item inserted in the back of the magazine's news summary. Unfortunately, the fake item, which dealt with a university creating a massively parallel supercomputer out of Commodore 64s, was evidently a bit too subtle for most folks (either that, or nobody actually reads the news items in the back of our magazine). In any event, I never heard any feedback on it.

So, casting any aspirations of subtlety aside, I conspired with our graphics department (after receiving the required clearances from SYS-CON editorial), who came through for us with flying colors (and a flightless swimsuit model...). It is my fond hope that our Miss April is now hanging proudly in computer rooms and aquariums across the United States and around the world.

One of the more bizarre related news items I saw last month in the wake of the tragic school shooting in the Midwest was a comment by an NRA official. He suggested that a possible solution to school violence would be to arm the teachers. While the suggestion in and of itself has a certain dark comedy, it led me along a twisted line of reasoning. We have seen the same kind of violence occasionally in the workspace, notably in the computer industry.

By the same NRA logic, the solution to workplace violence would be for everyone in the workplace to carry concealed weapons. While I'm not at all sure that this would actually lead to a reduction in workplace fatalities, I believe there would be other benefits. For example, the likelihood that anyone would want to chime in with a needless comment or anecdote in the middle of a marathon four-hour meeting would probably be greatly reduced if they knew that their fellow participants were packing lead. I can just see it now:

"So, does anybody else have anything to add before we get on to the next item?"

"Well as it happens, that reminds me of an amusing story that occurred to me early in my career. It was right after they first introduced the new series of card readers---"

CLICK

"But I guess that story can wait for another day!"